Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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