Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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