god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
