Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I love you. Go after that dick
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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