They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
