My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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