In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Randomize