so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
