I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
