you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
