he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
