his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
