What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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