I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
my liver is dry heaving
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
