I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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