drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
