Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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