Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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