If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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