There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
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