that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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