I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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