Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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