sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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