i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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