Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
