Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
