if i can run in heels then i can drive
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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