If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
