Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
