remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
