Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
