I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
