I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
