My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
