This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
