they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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