why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Randomize
