If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
