I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
