So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
