Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize