I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
