Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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