If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
