Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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