Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
