my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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