your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
