literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
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