I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
