Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
