we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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