oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
