At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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