when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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