would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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