Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Boobs speak an international language.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
