she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He better not be in your backpack
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
