One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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