i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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