im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
