i love accidental penises.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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