I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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