Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
