Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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